I am usually a person who is fairly in control of my life. I try to create and stick to a schedule. I have goals and plans that I would like to obtain, HOWEVER, I have found myself questioning things in my life that I thought I was 110% sure on what, how, and when. There is one item in particular that I cannot seem to digest. For those that know me well it has to due with the end of the month deadline I gave Ross. I truly did not think he would actual try to obtain the deadline date, BUT my special boy was working hard to please his wife. As of Monday, I have ended the April deadline. I am not for sure why?!?! Perhaps it is the 70/30 feeling I have...keeping the dogs as children - 70 or having a "real" family - 30. All the reasons are still there for not wanting kids...
Nine months of being pregnant…I can barely handle the monthly occurrence
The possibility of saying yes and then it does not happen. I truly admire those who go through the process of trying to get pregnant, but I know I am not one who could handle it. Patience is not one of my strongest traits. I have a hard time remembering to take pills, and I do not like shots
Pregnancy issues…they run deep through my family
The thought of being committed for years. Nothing to do with Ross, but it took a long time to get over the marriage commitment hump. At least Ross can feed, bath, and go to the bathroom by himself. If not, he has no problem with communicating it to me.
Career…what to do…
Freedom of having a social life…no babysitter required
Sanity – Unfortunately I got the privilege of playing (and I use that word loosely) mother for a few years to my niece, and babies/toddlers are a lot of work. Sleepless nights, doctor visits, child safety products that are constantly being recalled, toys made in China with lead paint, and the list goes on. I stress myself out just thinking about it.
All in all, I would like to think my reasons are good, but…the “what if still” remains. My current light at the end of this tunnel is Ross. He has agreed to be patience and let me figure things out. Perhaps I could easy my pain by not putting a time clock on things, but I cannot image having children late in life. Twenty-eight years of age is the scheduled cut-off date à another one of those 110% deadline/goals I set for myself. Oh well!?!?! What to do…
8 months ago
4 comments:
Faith is not believing that GOD can.. it is knowing that he will. You'll when and if it's right!
It is a tough decision... but when and if the time is right, I think you will know. There is no need to rush the decision. I had also put all kinds of time limits on myself regarding family. I wanted to be a young mom and always said no babies after 30. Obviously, it may not work out that way for us, and I've had to work hard to overcome my own limitations that I set. I like things to be predictable and go exactly according to my plan, so this whole family thing has been a HUGE challenge for me, because let me tell you girl, THE STRUGGLES WE ARE HAVING WERE NOT IN MY PLAN. But even after all that we are going through to have a family, I still question it sometimes... whether or not I'm cut out for it. Sorry, I didn't mean to go on about myself. I just want you to know that there are others out there that are feeling similar emotions... and yeah, they're hard.
Tia...I will pray for you as you struggle through this. Do it because YOU want to, not because you are feeling any kind of outside pressure. I know it's a big decision. Give it to God. And remember....good things happen to good people. Love ya, girl!
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